The Infinite Hotness of Pee Math

When a person is in a truly desperate situation, their mind starts spinning a hundred miles per second.  Having a full bladder that threatens to release itself publicly in your pants or burst can leave you in a tight spot indeed.  This is where a person often starts doing "Pee Math," aka asking themselves hypothetical questions about various choices they could make.  Pee math generally starts with the least offensive option--making it home to pee or similar--before devolving into a series of mini-negotiations as they realize they're not making it home.  It can include calculating distance to the nearest bathroom, number of drinks consumed, minutes until your next stop or other non-numerical details related to your urgency.


Here's a fictional scenario full of examples:   

"Okay, I've got 5... MAYBE 10 minutes until I wet myself.  No, definitely five.  Max.  I drank 3 drinks and one water, that's, hmmm...."

(11 minutes later)

"Of course I could just slip into this alleyway and pull my pants down and pee like a sane person.  No, that's dangerous!  It's a dark alley.  Keep walking.  Just a block more to go, give or take."

(6 minutes later)

"So if I DID wet myself, I could just say I spilled a drink or got splashed by a car or something.  If anyone asks."  

(2 agonizing minutes later)

"How much can I unzip my fly without it being obvious?  Fuck it.  Beats the alternative."

(In real physical pain, no idea how many minutes later)

"So I think I'm definitely gonna pee.  But would it be better to try & hold it all, or let a little go to relieve pressure?  I think I could get away with a few spurts."

Get it?  "Pi-Pi?"

Thus begins the slippery slope (literally) of convincing yourself to go "just a little more".  You stop beside your car before entering, looking around to make sure the coast is clear.  After some serious concentration you're able to spurt for about 1 second and stop.  Whew!  See?  Not so bad.  You get strapped into the car, seatbelt cutting into your bulging bladder.  Uh-oh.  Well if it worked the first time, why not do it again?  Oh, that one was a tad longer and you barely had to pause and think first!  But DAMN it felt good.  Good thing you have leather seats. Okay, only 2 minutes to the first stoplight.  We'll reassess then....

By the time you arrive home your pants and car seat are flooded.  THAT'S the magic of pee math.  I've gotten so desperate it feels like my brain is failing altogether so I can definitely relate.  As a kid I'd tell myself "just a little more leaking won't hurt" until I'd emptied my entire bladder in my pants, which usually got me in huge trouble.  The mind does funny things when the bladder is desperate for release.